Monthly Archives: August 2011

Women of a Certain Age: A Chronological Guide

PREFACE: I’ve had a bit of writer’s block lately, or lack of inspiration rather. I usually garner inspiration during mundane times: ironing, showering, mowing the lawn. But I generally lose those thoughts by the time I’m done the task. It’s most troubling. The ADHD kicks in “or whatever” © and the thought fades. But some times I get a little mojo while my phone is in my hand and I’m able to jot something down or tweet a few things and then I’m able to expound later. #NICE. So anyways since I have a computer at my disposal I figured I’d write, moreover I’m going back to school its imperative I get in the writing groove. Oh! Plus…I told Corie I’d write something so I shall. She told me she loved “reading the shit I write” so in light of that love here goes (great segue)…anywho here goes….

One of those days of heightened mojo I was thinking about women and their many issues. Shit many isn’t even a feasible term but I digress. I noticed, in retrospect, that the ages of females I know was vastly important in their outlook on relationships and the place they were therein. So I tweeted my thoughts. Now I tend not to generalize, but like the precepts of the zodiac some shit has a pattern. And this pattern seems pretty accurate, but not only to me, but to all the female and male Twitterheads that hit me with an esteemed retweet (for all you Facebookers and Twitter gentiles that’s somewhat similar to a “LIKE” or just affirmation to what the tweeter said). But regardless of what those yokels had to say I myself know, witnessed, experienced or am acquainted with women in each age group so in I believe I can speak on it. And shit I will speak on it. Lol. Here’s how I see it:

Girls are confined to relationship age brackets. A female always wants a man subconsciously, they are hard-wired like that and so are we. But they generally all have the same mindset and outlook on men in the confines of their bracket.…

18-22: “YOUNG JAWN” (anytime before that doesn’t count much except in rare instances): This is the age of naivety and subsequent HEARTBREAK because of it. And I don’t mean this in a mean way. But girls in this age bracket are the easiest to manipulate and bend (unbeknownst to them of course). If you didn’t have your heart ripped out and trampled by a dude at this age you’re a UNICORN. The young jawns are primarily out of high school but still harbor that HS approach. In high school the move is to have a boyfriend. You hold hands in the hall, post up by each others locker, and kiss all in public and all that bullshit. The word LOVE is hurled around like a tether ball. Every one is in love. These girls have sex with their dude. Any other sexual encounters could be deemed as “hoeage” so most of them are only fucking one dude. And if its more its super covert and won’t come out till the next bracket bellow. After HS most of those relationships, though fleeting, still holdout abit and then college comes. Even though college is the breakout experience most of the undergrads still have that “I need a dude” mentality, even though experimentation is highly possible. A lot of the girls not in college mess with the same niggas they know from high school, from the same town or neighboring ones. This group is also ripe for older guys. A girl at this age is still glamoured by the “older guy mystique”. The older guy mystique cracks me up, and when I was 18-19, I hated that shit. Girls would always hit you with the “oh my dude is 25, he love me and we gonna get married.” LMAO! Hoe shut up. That nigga love you like he love pissing in a cup. BUT he will tell you he loves you. And the girls just eat it up like Rita’s on the first day of spring. I guess it’s because the guys in their age bracket are still immature and inexperienced. But best believe a nigga in the 25-28 range is smashing that shit cause its uber easy. But God bless a young jawn’s heart or whatever lol. All they want is to BE LOVED…… (my young jawn always wanted some clothes and shit and money too. Smh. Thought I’d toss that in there)….anywho….

23-26 “25ers”: Now this is the age bracket I like, and not just because I’m this age. I enjoy this age because this age is a CHALLENGE. Fresh off young jawn scorn is the 25ers. Damn I love me a 25er! A girl in this age ain’t beat no more. They’ve found out that (and I’ll exclaim this in their words) NIGGAS AINT SHIT!!! SIDEBAR: It’s oh so interesting how a relationship can not only change your whole viewpoint on relationships but it can change your whole character. Girls in this group tend to be a little more staunch and mean. They have experienced the heartbreak and tomfoolery that guys can have and are sick and tired. Their past relationships have drained them of the propensity to deal with bullshit. They are much harder to convince and take to bed because they’ve heard it all before from young and old males. They been cheated on, lied to, cried enough, and seen enough to have an electric fence in front of a brick wall surrounded by a moat around their heart. They’ve heard so many lines and have uncovered so many lies. They still believe in the institution of love and marriage but look at it through a telescope now rather than a microscope. If they want you they want you, if not good luck with convincing them. At this age the standards they have are at the apex. They know what they don’t want so THEY KNOW WHAT THEY WANT. They are very picky about height, build, skin tone, job, car….the list goes on. And to me this is why they never find Mr. Right. They’re so entangled with what they despise that they deify what they want and miss out on a good thing that may be a standard or two short. And to the most fascinating facet of this age group: the view on SEX. A girl at this age enjoys sex….VERY MUCH. And if you have what they like they will bed you simply for sex purposes. And they’ll tell you straight up, initiate it, and perform at peak performance. And don’t believe or really even feel you’re the only nigga getting some, cause my man they getting it like you getting it. And they have options. A hired dick is a 25ers best friend. This is the prime age for the elusive fairy tale folklore FRIEND W/ BENEFITS also. #FWBs is such a scathing sketchy dodgy agreement. And it tends to fall short when the time begins to add up. Associate w/ Benefits > Friend w/ Benefits. But anywhozzle let me pat my own back because I’ve dismantled some 25ers. Ha! But anyways the 25er thinks much like a nigga because they’ve learned to think about sex and love like a man does. And even though they often have disparagement it helps protect their heart for the time being. As much as I love a 25er I feel bad for a good man who has pristine intentions. But moreso for the 25er for their discontent.

DISCLAIMER: I HAVEN’T DEALT WITH THE FOLLOWING LADIES EXTENSIVELY

27-30 “Hopefuls”: This woman is past the childish games and has learned that her picky ways have only lead to loneliness. At this age everyone seems to be getting married. She’s the consummate bridesmaid and it’s time for her to hurdle the broom……NOW! She’s looking for realness in every relationship and encounter, much like the young jawn, but more seasoned and targeted. She can see the game, recognize it, and sidestep it. She’s relaxed her high standards a bit and is trying to land a good catch. The big difference is the catch has changed in definition. The money level wanted has come down about 10 G’s. The abs she wanted, she’s settling for a man that isn’t sloppy. His job doesn’t have to be prestigious as long as he’s a provider and protector. And since that dreadful 3-0 is breathing down their neck she’s in full throttle and ready to go. This is also the target date for a lot of females to conceive because this is post-college and after things have settled down after starting a career. This is where she turns from a JAWN to a WIFE, a GIRL to a WOMAN. But one think I hate is a Hopeful that still acts like a young jawn or a 25er. Still all in the club, dressing young and acting frivolous. This is a good way to get fucked rather than married.

 30-35 “OLD HEADS”: Old head is such a cliché term that niggas use. It’s so funny. But the “OH” is generally married or divorced. And if she’s neither she’s Vick scrambling to bag a man and to Usain Bolt down the aisle. Its crunch time with 3 seconds left on the shot clock. She generally has school age kids by now and a helpmate would be exponential to her. And to this end they are very flirtatious. Old heads are highy HIGHLY susceptible to a fling with a young guy (ex. HOW STELLA GOT HER GROOVE BACK). They love it. As long as the dude can be mature and keep it quiet she’s willing and able (married or not). I think this is due to the men their age. Most of them have lost their swag (çI hate that word but it really fits here). The flair of a young and exciting guy is very appealing. And the young dude knows his way in the bedroom and still has the stamina to put in work over extended periods of time. She also doesn’t have to take him serious. He is what he is and that’s what she uses him for. But her main focus is finding THAT MAN for that nuptial.

35+ “too old for a nickname”: They don’t even get a nickname. The majority are married or divorced and stick to men their age because playing is nowhere near an option. Exception: Cougars. Other than that they’re usually content with their current situation and won’t jeopardize contentment for games.

There’s always an exception to every rule and nothing is stone. The biggest impediment and game changer is a baby in the early brackets. That tends to speed up or slow down transition between brackets. And it’s all thanks to the almighty BABY DAD! God bless you all, if you’re doing your job. He’s a major influence on the state of mind of the female. He also has lasting effects far beyond a regular nigga. His ties bind. Not only do you co-parent but every morning when she wakes up and looks at that baby she sees his face (my baby look just like her daddy). But a baby can stunt a woman’s growth in the maturation process. RESPONSIBILITY DOESN’T MEAN MATURITY! The child can also push a female’s wants and needs further. It can multiply her loneliness. Sabotage her future relationships. Drive her into a lesser man’s arms. But it can also bolster her independence. Make her happier. Force out her determination. This all depends on the girl and the place she’s in mentally when she has the baby. A young jawn or 25er with a baby is damn near bracketless, too many underlying factors.

So those are my age brackets and my opinions. Sorry for you *in my BP voice* if you don’t like it. I love all women of every age and feel free to comment on here or @ a nigga on Twitter. I’m @losdad. Follow a player.

…also there’s check the posting for links to different things. The links will be able to be clicked.