Monthly Archives: January 2012

The Hiding

Once upon a time I had the opportunity to work at a school; this didn’t end too well. To make a long story short: I screwed a co-worker, she went crazy, and we both got fired. But in retrospect it was a very beneficial learning experience (NOT the co-worker porking, the job). I worked in a Kindergarten class room and a part of their curriculum was identifying feelings and learning how to handle them. And this was any feeling because the proper handling of good feelings is also an asset. I believe that the school and educational powers that be chose to incorporate this because the identification of feelings and how to manage them is paramount to the social experience. Once we had a training that boldly stated that education on feelings, and honestly identifying them is more vital than math, science, literature and social studies. Continue reading

Better Math

Happy New Year and all that jazz. This will be my first piece of the New Year. Congrats to all those that made it to 2012. Apparently the world is going to end in December so make these days count if you weren’t already. Keep it moving; don’t let things or people hold you back. Start the year strong and finish the same way. Keep the road ahead of you and everything else in the rearview. And don’t look in that rearview so often that it slows you down or causes you to crash on the road to the future. But I’ll get more into the dos and don’ts of 2012 on another post. Anywho one thing about me, if you didn’t already know, is that I love movies (I gotta give you a back story as usual…bear with me). One of my earliest memories is me and my mother in the movies. I’ve seen hundreds of movies over the years and plan on seeing more. The one thing about the New Year that’s always exciting for me in the Oscar race and its younger brother, the Golden Globes. I often make it a priority to see all the movies that are nominated, legally or egregiously otherwise. I had the opportunity to see the movie Best Picture nominee Moneyball last night. Check it out, Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill star in it. It’s a very interesting film about statistics in baseball and how to choose categorically talented players rather than flash and popularity. And while watching the first couple of minutes I was able to make parallels between baseball statistics and relationships. I was thinking about it in the shower (where I often think about things) and then I took to twitter to puts some of my thoughts regarding it down on paper. I dared to say these things:

“It’s crazy how much math has to do with things and if we put math into decisions we made about relationships how shit would change.”

 

“Just simple probabilities on characteristics of our mates based on their past experiences and ours and taking into account future situations”

 

“There’s probably a math equation for the highest probability of happiness or at least contentment or minimization of getting hurt. *shrugs*”

Of course like anything I say that is a little bit radical or abstract I was met by friendly opposition. At least this time it was from someone whose opinion I find poignant. Imani, the star of “Mani’s Many Hairdo Woos and Woes”, politely refuted saying, “Not everything is solved with mathematics Missa John… Especially mate compatibility and love…” And I could see why people may feel this way. First off, it’s unattractive and unromantic. Who wants to say they found happiness because they plugged a few numbers into a calculator and ran some equations on some scratch paper? Of course no one, but I dare say many of us not knowingly do this every day…or at least sure as shit should. Because in the long run it could be far more beneficial than a fantastical story about how you met that special someone whom years down the line became just “that nigga I dated”. Now I need you to follow me here, I know many of us hated math in our school days and some of us still do, shit we can’t even figure out the 18%* tip without and app. But I’m just going to throw some abstract thoughts out there and go from there. ..

                Supposedly Capricorns (Happy birthday to me, I just turned 25 on January 8th, Lord bless and keep me) are very rational and concrete and that’s what numbers are. So throughout my life I’ve tended to look at things in a point value system. When I was a teenager my question was often “How was the sex from 1 to 10?” Shit what’s more concrete then that. I mean words can be so vague and off-putting, but the number 8 means close to ten so pretty damn good but could use some tweakage. Or I’d ask “How much do you like me?” “How much do you miss me?” and the answer had to be in number form. Truth be told I still do this a bit. I’m just very precise about things. I hate to assume; you can’t put faith in assumptions. Faith in assumptions lead to real life letdowns. So when I have a question I ask it. When I feel a certain way I say it. And because I’m a thinker I generally think and fell a lot which leads to various questions….and various headaches. But anyway men and women lie but numbers don’t so I like to employ the use of numeric values to things. Like Moe and Josh said on Mo’ Better Blues, “Numbers never lie, people start lying as soon as they come out of the womb.”

                So now to the numbers. I started talking about your partner’s experiences and characteristics, which are a recipe for the part in happiness that they are responsible for. You take a person’s characteristics and their personality and that makes up who they are, in turn you match that with yours and you’re able to gauge compatibility, with a fair amount of accuracy. Nothing is 100% when dealing with people because our minds and feelings twist but with that in mind you can weigh probability. For instance let’s say little ol’ me by the grace of God meets a nice young lady…buxom young lady too! And after the initial “game spitting” (which I suck at) and woo-ery I’m able to mentally or physically for that matter create a profile on her. I say physically like writing things down. That’s often my problem, I don’t write things down. With all the thoughts in my head it becomes hard for me to sift through them so writing things down can be very advantageous. Janet Jackson told Tasha Smith to do this in Why Did I Get Married?. Any damn way let’s say I create this list or profile on her from the things that I know about her (things she’s said and things I’ve realized) and I begin to make decisions based it, not because I’m some type of sick psycho with files on hoes, but because it’s a concise portrait of who she is, and with that I can surmise how are relationship will go based on our compatibility. She has various characteristics some good and some bad. Each characteristic I personally would have a target I’d like her to meet/not meet because these are the things that would make me the happiest. If I’m looking for a very affectionate girl I would have my target number high on my scale. Given her proclivities I’d give her a number on that scale in accordance with her personality trait. If she’s somewhat affectionate I’d give her a 6 and pit that against my target number that may be and 8 or 9 depending on my likes. This shit isn’t rocket science but you’d be surprised how different our lives would be if we sat and took into account things like a statistician or accountant crunching numbers. After all the categories are tallied there’d be an ideal number that you’d like this person to meet. And you would also see the things that aren’t ideal but that you would able to compromisingly handle. Maybe she’s not super affectionate but that’s ok because you also have your moments as well so. We all have our areas where compromising isn’t going to happen. I think mine is accountability and conversation. I can’t stand a shitty conversation or someone who says they’ll do something and doesn’t, so these are areas I wouldn’t allow to bend. A lot of people won’t bend on physical things like looks and height and other bullshit, and this is why they’re always searching. Don’t get me wrong if you’re shallow and can only stand to be with a drop dead gorgeous mafucka by all means search. You know you. It’s far better to remain shallow then to hurt someone else because you can’t handle their face or body type. As cold hearted and callus as this may seem at the end of the day there’s human hearts and feelings at stake. I’ve been in many positions with a female that if I had thought thoroughly through their characteristics, matched them with what I could handle, and made an educated decision based on those figures, I wouldn’t have been in. I would have saved myself hurt and anger. It’s all numbers. Your characteristics all add up to me being happy with you so why not put a number next to it? A lot of times we do this in our heads which isn’t always the greatest idea. We go over a person and then for various reasons begin to make exceptions and changes due to our current wants rather than needs. I may feel like I need a super honest girl. I want her honesty number to at least be a 9, hers is at a 6. But because her looks are at a 9 we feel like we can ignore the deficiency in the honesty department, when deep down we know that something we can’t compromise. Well let me say shouldn’t compromise. But I’ll get into that later.

Another key part of the equations is a person’s experience. Very very very important because it can shape their needs and also shine a light on future occurrences. Things like how many relationships, how many sex partners, how they reacted to things in the past, the things that have hurt them, what they’ve allowed to shape their current condition, how their past plays into their present and future. These are all very pivotal pieces to relationship puzzle. People say leave the past in the past all the time, and I tend to agree UNLESS its plays a part in the cultivation of your present and future. If a girl can screw 111 people and you, Mr. 112, causes her to have an epiphany and stop getting mowed down by all these niggas, by all means go ahead make it happen. But if her track record (experiences) has molded her into a slore it’s a pretty dismal chance that she’s going to change for you. Lmao that’s a pretty extreme case…let’s look at from a better angle. You meet a girl and you’re her first or second real relationship. Now this is something a lot of people may think about. This in turn means they’re learning on the fly or only have one person to go off of when it comes to relationship issues and problems. It’s like job experience at a job, ideally you want someone with enough experience to be a good worker, but no so much that its evident that they’ve been a bad worker have attachment issues. The going off one person thing isn’t always a bad thing. Things could go smoothly as planned….or not. You learn a lot in relationships. More than you really realize. You learn how to really share, how to be selfless, how to console, how to love, how to argue, how to really listen, how to compromise, how to ignore, how to keep quiet, when to speak up…and that’s just when you’re in them. Once that mafucka breaks down you learn how to heal, how to move on, how to go from 2 as 1 to just being one and a host of other shit. So to think of a person who hasn’t truly learned these things or has minimal experience doing so can be daunting. And its not that the experience or lack thereof is a problem, because we are who we are and we’ve been through what we’ve been through. The true issue is within ourselves and what we’re able to handle, our level of patience, our ability to empathize or sympathize. We all have good things and bad things about us and we all have our experiences, the dilemmas generally arise when YOU aren’t unable to handle those things, which is not your fault either. Some people just don’t gel. Every key doesn’t fit in every lock, and the ones that do don’t necessarily have to open the door. But to sit back and mathematically or otherwise think about these things is to take a proactive step in the direction towards your ultimate happiness.

As I said before many of us do this in a more haphazardly and flippant way. You may think, “Well Nate loves me, he pay the bills, the sex is good, and that nigga look hella fine! But then again he don’t ever listen to me or wanna do what I ask him to. He always lying bout something. He funny doe, but he so ignorant sometimes and always disrespecting me with these other girl, BUT he did say he love me and if I left him I’d be all lonely so fuck it I’ma stay with his black ass. It’ll get better, you can’t have it all!” OR a nigga will say (and a nigga will lie to himself about himself and you!): “Shit Esha get on my nerves, she always naggin’ me and got some nigga in her mentions on Twitter. My nigga told me how she was but the pussy is so good. But then again she so damn dumb and stubborn, can’t tell her shit for real. And she always running around in the streets and shit. I mean I like going out but her ass don’t ever sit and focus. But she so damn bad, and her ass so fat, plus she do cook and loan a nigga a couple dollas when I’m down. Fuck it, I can deal with it, ima marry her fine ass and she’ll chill out!” Boooooooy will we lie to ourselves about some shit wont we? We get fed up and take these militant fronts and say that’s enough I’m out! But then 90% of the time the next thought is you changing your mind. The word “BUT” hits the sentence and negates everything before it. The saddest part is we generally know the truth and then create a lie to refute it. And it isn’t always about leaving someone cause many times you saw the shit coming, like Nas said it ain’t hard to tell. Gloria Gaynor sang about the lonely and naïve in the 70s, shit aint change. And loneliness or loneliness as a consequence will make you accept things that you flat out know are wrong…or even worse deny that they are there. To me it’s so horrible for a person to fake happiness and accept things they never would just to ward off feelings of loneliness. It’s one thing to be naïve and not know, but a lot of you know and lie to yourselves. AS MUCH AS YOU HATE BEING LIED TO WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO YOURSELF? We turn a blind eye to what we can’t handle, look away from the things we need that aren’t there, and create excuses when confronted with them. I feel that it’s far less nefarious to sit down and look at a person as just a number and then weigh that number against the level of happiness we want in our lives. It’s more heartless to hurt ourselves long term than to itemize a list of things you need and make sure that person can be who and what you need. Cause it’s like a fuckin .003% chance that they’ll change and be who you want them to be. Think about the greatest love you ever had, then think about what made you love them, then think of when it turned sour, and then think about what made you hate them, after that think about what attributes created that hate…then think about what you knew about that person during the beginning stages and then think about what you needed, now put those things together and tell me you couldn’t have saved yourself some heartache if you looked at it numerically rather than with a shit load of emotion. At the end of the day all you can do is worry about your happiness. If it’s taking so much happiness out of you to make some else happy then it’s obviously not where you need to be. It’s cool to be selfless TO AN EXTENT. Many of us give to make others happy until we can’t even be happy with the happiness we’ve given them.

At the end of the day it’s like the hiring process at a job. The job can’t largely bend its qualifications to hire you to the point where you ultimately make their business suffer. Like a job application…they ask you who you are, where you live, what you like, and about the places you’ve worked before. Then they ask you a series of questions (that long ass quiz that people hate doing) or interview you to find out who you REALLY are. They tally your answers and give you a grade based on the things they’re looking for and then take your experience. Then they take into account your qualifications. So why shouldn’t we do this for the person that we are giving the ultimate job of making us happy? Sometimes you have to take the emotion out of things and look at things for what they are. Sunglasses may block the sun but if kept on at night they’ll render you blind. Sometimes our emotions can do that. When things are good it masks the bad, and when things are bad they blind us and make the darkness darker. At times its beneficial to just get out a sheet of paper and start giving things numbers and at the end of the day see if the shit adds up. And we need to stop bending and making what we NEED so elastic. Be honest with yourself. Figure out what you NEED and what you can handle. Then figure out what you want and don’t let your fear transform your truths into lies. And I’m not going to lie, I’VE NEVER DONE THIS. I think I’ve always been the person to create that “well I can handle this” or that “I’m not even looking for anything” falsity. But you have to come to grips with these melancholy truths we sweep under the rug or throw in the backs of our heads. Be honest. You heard Beyonce 1+1+2 and its been that way forever. If you NEED a 3 then don’t try and make that equation make sense. Do what you have to do and go get what you need. It’s all math, better math.