Often I like to believe grand things about myself, but I really ain’t shit. I wasn’t able to keep the person I love happy. They became so used to my mediocrity that they in turn lowered their standard of happiness. Because they loved me they settle for the lackluster shit I had to offer. Knowing you should and doing what you should are two different things. There’s things I should have done but I’m not shit so I allowed myself to become comfortable in not doing. There’s no excuse. Sometimes things don’t occur to me. But write a fuckin memo to yourself Clayton. She was that important. They say hindsight is 20/20. But fuck that because I was given the chance to look back on more than one occasion and my shit was blurry as fuck. It hard to hear the person you love say that they’d rather not try to fix things anymore. It’s heartbreaking. Especially when it’s not over infidelity or a glaring problem. It hurts more when its because you’re a fucking slouch. If I could do it differently I would. Even now I would. I’d set those reminders now. I’d do those things now. It’s different when its something you can’t plead and beg and say sorry over. When its something that is innate in you that the person you love can’t stand. Is there a way to change those things for the person you love? I don’t know. But I wan’t to believe so. I want to make that attempt. And really make it this time. You get into a space where its comfortable to beg and plead and cry sorry. And then your routine resets. But I think I’d genuinely try this time. It hurts more when bright things are happening to you but the person you want to share that light with is not around. Whats the use of the sun if we aren’t in it together?
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