Free Writing #1

I haven’t said much in a long time so I’m just going to free write a bit. I’ve read some things and seen something’s and I’m just going to spew my thoughts onto this computer screen. Here goes…

 Relationships are very much like a business. And that sounds a bit shroud but follow me. There’s supply and demand, and to maintain a good business both entities need to receive their fair share of both to maintain prosperity. In relationship terms both people have needs and in order for the relationship to flourish a cyclical amount of give and take has to be exchanged. I’m putting in and receiving. I’m the type of person that in order to make a relationship work and keep the productivity of happiness high I often take my significant others needs into account. I believe that that’s key to meeting a person’s needs. If I can say that I took your needs into account and tailor made my behaviors and inclinations towards you I feel like I’m being a productive piece in the relationship. I know when you get off work that you like to vent about the day’s events so I make myself available for such sessions. And when I can’t I’m at least in contact with you because I know I can’t be as available so I give you something. I believe this is the biggest piece of a relationship. Learning your partner and taking that knowledge into account when doing things. For me it’s the difference in being content and being happy. I can very easily be just “ok” with someone. But for me being just ok means that there are holes. And happiness has no holes. This is where other people tend to slide in and become supplemental in filing those holes. And that’s not an excuse to cheat but I believe it’s very much a reason that people do. Especially when there’s a need that can easily be met but is refused. If I’m for you I’ll do anything for you as long as it isn’t impeding on my health or my child. But its troubling when a person has the ability to make you happy and knows what makes you happy but won’t. Not that they’re treating you like shit or you’re unhappy, but there’s just levels that aren’t being reached due to little things not being present. I often wonder whether people don’t want to or just can’t. Some things are just beyond the realm of possibility for some people. Sometimes things just don’t occur to you. You hear people say that sometime. “Well that never occured to me.” And it may sound like a cop out. Even knowing something or having someone tell you you to handle be a certain way or handle things a certain way, sometimes at the point of action, at that point where its time to be naturally you or to compromise, those words you don’t occur. The words don’t come out. The innate you does. And in that way your personality takes over, and within that compatbilty sphere is the difference between met needs or unmet needs.  I’ve had times in my life where people wanted things from me in terms of a relationship that I just could not give them. I even wanted to give it to them, but it was beyond. Beyond my personality. I didn’t have what it took. Even though I knew there was an invisible barrier that separated he wants and me stretching my hands out and giving them to her. There were things that I should have said, things I should have did, compromises I should have made that my personality just couldn’t allow me to say, do, or change. And that’s why I believe that compatibility is a very valid piece of the relationship puzzle because often times it’s the difference between you getting what you want. You want emotion in a certain way from someone that just isn’t predisposed to giving it that way. Not that they don’t have it for you at the level you want it BUT they just can’t provide it in the ways that you want. And that’s the difference. We jam round pegs into square holes all the time. And just imagine how that makes the hole and the peg feel. Of course there’s resistance and pain. Some of us have been round pegs in square holes for so long we don’t even recognize a round hole when we see one. And it’s not always as harsh as that. Sometimes it’s a triangle and a square. It’s just that one less extra angle that fucks it all up. That one missing piece that ruins it. And you’ll act like you don’t care about that piece but that the part that ties it all together. THAT’S the difference between contentment and pure happiness. I think that’s why the divorce rate is so high. People will marry mafuckas that they are just “ok” with. People that they can stand and can stomach being around.  Fitting and matching is very much a pivotal part. It’s the difference between contentment and happiness…between anniversaries and breakups…between long term and short lived.

No proofread. No paragraphs. Just thoughts on a page. That’s all I got.

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The Hiding

Once upon a time I had the opportunity to work at a school; this didn’t end too well. To make a long story short: I screwed a co-worker, she went crazy, and we both got fired. But in retrospect it was a very beneficial learning experience (NOT the co-worker porking, the job). I worked in a Kindergarten class room and a part of their curriculum was identifying feelings and learning how to handle them. And this was any feeling because the proper handling of good feelings is also an asset. I believe that the school and educational powers that be chose to incorporate this because the identification of feelings and how to manage them is paramount to the social experience. Once we had a training that boldly stated that education on feelings, and honestly identifying them is more vital than math, science, literature and social studies. Continue reading

Better Math

Happy New Year and all that jazz. This will be my first piece of the New Year. Congrats to all those that made it to 2012. Apparently the world is going to end in December so make these days count if you weren’t already. Keep it moving; don’t let things or people hold you back. Start the year strong and finish the same way. Keep the road ahead of you and everything else in the rearview. And don’t look in that rearview so often that it slows you down or causes you to crash on the road to the future. But I’ll get more into the dos and don’ts of 2012 on another post. Anywho one thing about me, if you didn’t already know, is that I love movies (I gotta give you a back story as usual…bear with me). One of my earliest memories is me and my mother in the movies. I’ve seen hundreds of movies over the years and plan on seeing more. The one thing about the New Year that’s always exciting for me in the Oscar race and its younger brother, the Golden Globes. I often make it a priority to see all the movies that are nominated, legally or egregiously otherwise. I had the opportunity to see the movie Best Picture nominee Moneyball last night. Check it out, Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill star in it. It’s a very interesting film about statistics in baseball and how to choose categorically talented players rather than flash and popularity. And while watching the first couple of minutes I was able to make parallels between baseball statistics and relationships. I was thinking about it in the shower (where I often think about things) and then I took to twitter to puts some of my thoughts regarding it down on paper. I dared to say these things:

“It’s crazy how much math has to do with things and if we put math into decisions we made about relationships how shit would change.”

 

“Just simple probabilities on characteristics of our mates based on their past experiences and ours and taking into account future situations”

 

“There’s probably a math equation for the highest probability of happiness or at least contentment or minimization of getting hurt. *shrugs*”

Of course like anything I say that is a little bit radical or abstract I was met by friendly opposition. At least this time it was from someone whose opinion I find poignant. Imani, the star of “Mani’s Many Hairdo Woos and Woes”, politely refuted saying, “Not everything is solved with mathematics Missa John… Especially mate compatibility and love…” And I could see why people may feel this way. First off, it’s unattractive and unromantic. Who wants to say they found happiness because they plugged a few numbers into a calculator and ran some equations on some scratch paper? Of course no one, but I dare say many of us not knowingly do this every day…or at least sure as shit should. Because in the long run it could be far more beneficial than a fantastical story about how you met that special someone whom years down the line became just “that nigga I dated”. Now I need you to follow me here, I know many of us hated math in our school days and some of us still do, shit we can’t even figure out the 18%* tip without and app. But I’m just going to throw some abstract thoughts out there and go from there. ..

                Supposedly Capricorns (Happy birthday to me, I just turned 25 on January 8th, Lord bless and keep me) are very rational and concrete and that’s what numbers are. So throughout my life I’ve tended to look at things in a point value system. When I was a teenager my question was often “How was the sex from 1 to 10?” Shit what’s more concrete then that. I mean words can be so vague and off-putting, but the number 8 means close to ten so pretty damn good but could use some tweakage. Or I’d ask “How much do you like me?” “How much do you miss me?” and the answer had to be in number form. Truth be told I still do this a bit. I’m just very precise about things. I hate to assume; you can’t put faith in assumptions. Faith in assumptions lead to real life letdowns. So when I have a question I ask it. When I feel a certain way I say it. And because I’m a thinker I generally think and fell a lot which leads to various questions….and various headaches. But anyway men and women lie but numbers don’t so I like to employ the use of numeric values to things. Like Moe and Josh said on Mo’ Better Blues, “Numbers never lie, people start lying as soon as they come out of the womb.”

                So now to the numbers. I started talking about your partner’s experiences and characteristics, which are a recipe for the part in happiness that they are responsible for. You take a person’s characteristics and their personality and that makes up who they are, in turn you match that with yours and you’re able to gauge compatibility, with a fair amount of accuracy. Nothing is 100% when dealing with people because our minds and feelings twist but with that in mind you can weigh probability. For instance let’s say little ol’ me by the grace of God meets a nice young lady…buxom young lady too! And after the initial “game spitting” (which I suck at) and woo-ery I’m able to mentally or physically for that matter create a profile on her. I say physically like writing things down. That’s often my problem, I don’t write things down. With all the thoughts in my head it becomes hard for me to sift through them so writing things down can be very advantageous. Janet Jackson told Tasha Smith to do this in Why Did I Get Married?. Any damn way let’s say I create this list or profile on her from the things that I know about her (things she’s said and things I’ve realized) and I begin to make decisions based it, not because I’m some type of sick psycho with files on hoes, but because it’s a concise portrait of who she is, and with that I can surmise how are relationship will go based on our compatibility. She has various characteristics some good and some bad. Each characteristic I personally would have a target I’d like her to meet/not meet because these are the things that would make me the happiest. If I’m looking for a very affectionate girl I would have my target number high on my scale. Given her proclivities I’d give her a number on that scale in accordance with her personality trait. If she’s somewhat affectionate I’d give her a 6 and pit that against my target number that may be and 8 or 9 depending on my likes. This shit isn’t rocket science but you’d be surprised how different our lives would be if we sat and took into account things like a statistician or accountant crunching numbers. After all the categories are tallied there’d be an ideal number that you’d like this person to meet. And you would also see the things that aren’t ideal but that you would able to compromisingly handle. Maybe she’s not super affectionate but that’s ok because you also have your moments as well so. We all have our areas where compromising isn’t going to happen. I think mine is accountability and conversation. I can’t stand a shitty conversation or someone who says they’ll do something and doesn’t, so these are areas I wouldn’t allow to bend. A lot of people won’t bend on physical things like looks and height and other bullshit, and this is why they’re always searching. Don’t get me wrong if you’re shallow and can only stand to be with a drop dead gorgeous mafucka by all means search. You know you. It’s far better to remain shallow then to hurt someone else because you can’t handle their face or body type. As cold hearted and callus as this may seem at the end of the day there’s human hearts and feelings at stake. I’ve been in many positions with a female that if I had thought thoroughly through their characteristics, matched them with what I could handle, and made an educated decision based on those figures, I wouldn’t have been in. I would have saved myself hurt and anger. It’s all numbers. Your characteristics all add up to me being happy with you so why not put a number next to it? A lot of times we do this in our heads which isn’t always the greatest idea. We go over a person and then for various reasons begin to make exceptions and changes due to our current wants rather than needs. I may feel like I need a super honest girl. I want her honesty number to at least be a 9, hers is at a 6. But because her looks are at a 9 we feel like we can ignore the deficiency in the honesty department, when deep down we know that something we can’t compromise. Well let me say shouldn’t compromise. But I’ll get into that later.

Another key part of the equations is a person’s experience. Very very very important because it can shape their needs and also shine a light on future occurrences. Things like how many relationships, how many sex partners, how they reacted to things in the past, the things that have hurt them, what they’ve allowed to shape their current condition, how their past plays into their present and future. These are all very pivotal pieces to relationship puzzle. People say leave the past in the past all the time, and I tend to agree UNLESS its plays a part in the cultivation of your present and future. If a girl can screw 111 people and you, Mr. 112, causes her to have an epiphany and stop getting mowed down by all these niggas, by all means go ahead make it happen. But if her track record (experiences) has molded her into a slore it’s a pretty dismal chance that she’s going to change for you. Lmao that’s a pretty extreme case…let’s look at from a better angle. You meet a girl and you’re her first or second real relationship. Now this is something a lot of people may think about. This in turn means they’re learning on the fly or only have one person to go off of when it comes to relationship issues and problems. It’s like job experience at a job, ideally you want someone with enough experience to be a good worker, but no so much that its evident that they’ve been a bad worker have attachment issues. The going off one person thing isn’t always a bad thing. Things could go smoothly as planned….or not. You learn a lot in relationships. More than you really realize. You learn how to really share, how to be selfless, how to console, how to love, how to argue, how to really listen, how to compromise, how to ignore, how to keep quiet, when to speak up…and that’s just when you’re in them. Once that mafucka breaks down you learn how to heal, how to move on, how to go from 2 as 1 to just being one and a host of other shit. So to think of a person who hasn’t truly learned these things or has minimal experience doing so can be daunting. And its not that the experience or lack thereof is a problem, because we are who we are and we’ve been through what we’ve been through. The true issue is within ourselves and what we’re able to handle, our level of patience, our ability to empathize or sympathize. We all have good things and bad things about us and we all have our experiences, the dilemmas generally arise when YOU aren’t unable to handle those things, which is not your fault either. Some people just don’t gel. Every key doesn’t fit in every lock, and the ones that do don’t necessarily have to open the door. But to sit back and mathematically or otherwise think about these things is to take a proactive step in the direction towards your ultimate happiness.

As I said before many of us do this in a more haphazardly and flippant way. You may think, “Well Nate loves me, he pay the bills, the sex is good, and that nigga look hella fine! But then again he don’t ever listen to me or wanna do what I ask him to. He always lying bout something. He funny doe, but he so ignorant sometimes and always disrespecting me with these other girl, BUT he did say he love me and if I left him I’d be all lonely so fuck it I’ma stay with his black ass. It’ll get better, you can’t have it all!” OR a nigga will say (and a nigga will lie to himself about himself and you!): “Shit Esha get on my nerves, she always naggin’ me and got some nigga in her mentions on Twitter. My nigga told me how she was but the pussy is so good. But then again she so damn dumb and stubborn, can’t tell her shit for real. And she always running around in the streets and shit. I mean I like going out but her ass don’t ever sit and focus. But she so damn bad, and her ass so fat, plus she do cook and loan a nigga a couple dollas when I’m down. Fuck it, I can deal with it, ima marry her fine ass and she’ll chill out!” Boooooooy will we lie to ourselves about some shit wont we? We get fed up and take these militant fronts and say that’s enough I’m out! But then 90% of the time the next thought is you changing your mind. The word “BUT” hits the sentence and negates everything before it. The saddest part is we generally know the truth and then create a lie to refute it. And it isn’t always about leaving someone cause many times you saw the shit coming, like Nas said it ain’t hard to tell. Gloria Gaynor sang about the lonely and naïve in the 70s, shit aint change. And loneliness or loneliness as a consequence will make you accept things that you flat out know are wrong…or even worse deny that they are there. To me it’s so horrible for a person to fake happiness and accept things they never would just to ward off feelings of loneliness. It’s one thing to be naïve and not know, but a lot of you know and lie to yourselves. AS MUCH AS YOU HATE BEING LIED TO WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO YOURSELF? We turn a blind eye to what we can’t handle, look away from the things we need that aren’t there, and create excuses when confronted with them. I feel that it’s far less nefarious to sit down and look at a person as just a number and then weigh that number against the level of happiness we want in our lives. It’s more heartless to hurt ourselves long term than to itemize a list of things you need and make sure that person can be who and what you need. Cause it’s like a fuckin .003% chance that they’ll change and be who you want them to be. Think about the greatest love you ever had, then think about what made you love them, then think of when it turned sour, and then think about what made you hate them, after that think about what attributes created that hate…then think about what you knew about that person during the beginning stages and then think about what you needed, now put those things together and tell me you couldn’t have saved yourself some heartache if you looked at it numerically rather than with a shit load of emotion. At the end of the day all you can do is worry about your happiness. If it’s taking so much happiness out of you to make some else happy then it’s obviously not where you need to be. It’s cool to be selfless TO AN EXTENT. Many of us give to make others happy until we can’t even be happy with the happiness we’ve given them.

At the end of the day it’s like the hiring process at a job. The job can’t largely bend its qualifications to hire you to the point where you ultimately make their business suffer. Like a job application…they ask you who you are, where you live, what you like, and about the places you’ve worked before. Then they ask you a series of questions (that long ass quiz that people hate doing) or interview you to find out who you REALLY are. They tally your answers and give you a grade based on the things they’re looking for and then take your experience. Then they take into account your qualifications. So why shouldn’t we do this for the person that we are giving the ultimate job of making us happy? Sometimes you have to take the emotion out of things and look at things for what they are. Sunglasses may block the sun but if kept on at night they’ll render you blind. Sometimes our emotions can do that. When things are good it masks the bad, and when things are bad they blind us and make the darkness darker. At times its beneficial to just get out a sheet of paper and start giving things numbers and at the end of the day see if the shit adds up. And we need to stop bending and making what we NEED so elastic. Be honest with yourself. Figure out what you NEED and what you can handle. Then figure out what you want and don’t let your fear transform your truths into lies. And I’m not going to lie, I’VE NEVER DONE THIS. I think I’ve always been the person to create that “well I can handle this” or that “I’m not even looking for anything” falsity. But you have to come to grips with these melancholy truths we sweep under the rug or throw in the backs of our heads. Be honest. You heard Beyonce 1+1+2 and its been that way forever. If you NEED a 3 then don’t try and make that equation make sense. Do what you have to do and go get what you need. It’s all math, better math.

The Lady’s and Gentleman’s Guide to Effective Respectful Infidelity

Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the jungle! Don’t see any animals or a treacherous environment? I assure you they’re there. Physically, no. Metaphorically, yes! In these times and especially in the area I live in we’re definitely in the jungle. Primitive instincts, survival techniques, and anarchy are the name of the game. This is truly no country for old men, loyalty and contriteness is dead. There’s no honor amongst thieves. No place more so than in the traditionally most private place, the relationship between you and your significant other. It doesn’t have to be husband/wife, girlfriend/boyfriend. Most of us don’t even play those name games anymore. It’s still wrong. But since infidelity and cheating is so ubiquitous, why not do it respectfully like my man Shaq Diesel said. Because after all THERE ARE FEELINGS AT STAKE! Continue reading

Love be that sh*t.

20111115-112410.jpgLove be that shit man. Even when apart it and content you can have the propensity to miss it. It’s so crazy. It’s not out of the ordinary to miss the pain and anguish side of it. The fighting, the screaming, the name calling; all signs of a shared heightened emotion. An emotion that even in its most nefarious form is evidence of two hearts twined. And these aren’t even the good times. The greatness lies in the inpenitrible feeling that no outside entity can penetrate the chain locked around your hearts. The outlook that in the face of any magnitude of opposition that it’s YOU & I against them, US against the world. The only real battles are within, no other fronts matter. There’s an austerity that even after all the shit that you’ve been through its the THROUGH that is amplified. It’s jealous and generous. You want people to know but never too much, you want people to feel it but never with your counterpart. There’s a sense of pride in love. A sentiment that WE’VE REACHED THE TOP. And even in the bad time that WE are at an apex higher than those who have yet to even come to the mountain. Man love be that shit, love TODAY, even in contentment, your sorely missed. Like Drake said, look what you’ve done…

I often write to get my feelings down, I share to let people know they are not aliens, that I harbor the same emotions and sentiments you do.

…why men cheat.

I just wrote an article which I thought I saved, apparently I didn’t. It’s been that kind of day. But what can I do other than to continue to write, so anyway… Being the “Twitterhead” I’ve so recently become, Ive had the austere displeasure, but dually intriguing pleasure to sit courtside to the various maladies and discontentment of the urban female. And I categorize them as urban females because that’s the only types I follow on Twitter.  I recently wrote an article about women. This blog post received a fair share of adulation and numerous views on my site. The post gave a timeline to women and their actions during certain age brackets. The resounding response was “WHAT ABOUT THE MEN?!?” and believe me it was said with hair flipping and neck popping. And they’re right…but what about the men? Well as I mentioned before about my twitter proclivities, it lends to a lot of observations, mainly of dirty laundry and female grievances (I don’t really look at too many male tweets on my timeline, SUE ME.) The female grievances are mostly about men. The reoccurring theme I to see is “WHY DO MEN CHEAT?!?” I see so many tweets and statuses about infidelity and niggas cheating. And the females beg the question WHY? And some of the females have become so accustomed to the melancholy truth that men cheat that they’ve formed subquestions. Now it’s “Why did he cheat with that hideous girl, he don’t know she’s a whore?” or “Why would cheat with someone in Pennsauken?” or “She’s so gorgeous how could he even do that to her?” First off, these questions in themselves are sad and displaced because it’s come to the point of not just questioning fidelity. Girls have stepped past the wrong doing and are wondering why with a certain person. Why? period should be the question. Why has faithfulness become so scarce? It’s all very sad. It bothers me to see females sad, though I myself have contributed to my fair share of tears (by the way…sorry if you’re reading this and I’ve cheated on you). But to assist I’m going to try and shed some light on the dark places in a niggas mind that cause infidelities. Now when I go in on these things I don’t want you to think these are excuses. This is reasoning. . And because I don’t claim to know it all (most of the time), I can’t say I have the definitive answer, but I can try and divulge…

Continue reading

Duality

Joy and Pain, good and bad, this is the verity of life. Life is cyclical, full of duality. I’ve come too learn that each side can only be characterized by the other. This is where their definitions lie. You only have one thing for lack of its opposite. Your joy is made by you lack of pain. Your sorrow, the moratorium on happiness. Things go work. They often do. Sometimes it seems more time than not. When these things happen I find solace in the fact that it’s opposite was even around and that surely it will have a reemergence. To permanently dispense with one would be to dull the other. So in times like this I write to remember such things. Everything isn’t as bad as it seems. Knowing is more than half the battle, its most of it.