So many things I don’t know.

So many things I don’t know. I just want to learn so much. I want to gain all the knowledge. All that shit. Soak it all up and win at life! Open a store, create sneakers, live in the city. And LEARN. And I want you there.

Whats the use of the sun if we aren’t in it together?

Often I like to believe grand things about myself, but I really ain’t shit. I wasn’t able to keep the person I love happy. They became so used to my mediocrity that they in turn lowered their standard of happiness. Because they loved me they settle for the lackluster shit I had to offer. Knowing you should and doing what you should are two different things. There’s things I should have done but I’m not shit so I allowed myself to become comfortable in not doing. There’s no excuse. Sometimes things don’t occur to me. But write a fuckin memo to yourself Clayton. She was that important. They say hindsight is 20/20. But fuck that because I was given the chance to look back on more than one occasion and my shit was blurry as fuck. It hard to hear the person you love say that they’d rather not try to fix things anymore. It’s heartbreaking. Especially when it’s not over infidelity or a glaring problem. It hurts more when its because you’re a fucking slouch. If I could do it differently I would. Even now I would. I’d set those reminders now. I’d do those things now. It’s different when its something you can’t plead and beg and say sorry over. When its something that is innate in you that the person you love can’t stand. Is there a way to change those things for the person you love? I don’t know. But I wan’t to believe so. I want to make that attempt. And really make it this time. You get into a space where its comfortable to beg and plead and cry sorry. And then your routine resets. But I think I’d genuinely try this time. It hurts more when bright things are happening to you but the person you want to share that light with is not around. Whats the use of the sun if we aren’t in it together?

Puzzles

I haven’t written in awhile so here goes….

When you’re with someone you learn how they are and try and tailor your actions to coincide with their nature. But what about when it clashes with your nature…compatibility may be the most underrated, overlooked and integral relationship quality.

There’s a naturalness that we all have…that we embody if you will. It’s the way you are unhampered and unhinged. Its the you that IS. That is without the pressures, impressions, and demands that people put on you. This is especially true in a relationship. The word “compromise” gets thrown around. But what I’ve come to find is that your natural nature can’t be compromised. Don’t get me wrong with “nature”. I’m not saying go fuck everyone. I’m talking about personality traits. Impregnable traits that no matter how much you try to engage in opposite action those proclivities are still there. No matter how friendly these lions and tigers are with these weird ass white guys who wrestle and play with them are…..its in their nature to bite the shit out of you. And those natural things come up to the surface. Our may not be as ferocious but could definitely be just as damaging.

Its hard for me as a Christian to point at the zodiac but I must say its the easiest and most recognizable way to get this point across. Let’s say you have a person that’s highly practical. A pragmatist…..a thinker. They take facts pull them together, parallel them, come to a conclusion, test their theory, and then come to an ultimate conclusion. Then you have an emotional person. A person that’s more passionate and surface oriented. They see things on a very plain level (which can be a great gift). Thinking can be paralytic and overused just as emotion can be fleeting. Neither is bad! Anyway…when the thinker has issues that they’ve come to via deep thinking it may be hard to articulate to the person who’s more of an emotion driven person to understand beyond how you’re currently making them feel. For them an issue brings for emotion (ie: anger, sadness, whatever whatever). This in turn seems like an attack. The think is just trying to explain how and why he’s come to this notion. It doesn’t work. There’s a stalemate. Beyond that the two find that many issue arise because the thinker looks too deep into emotional issues and the passionate person doesn’t look deep enough. With this lack of compatibility it could cause for huge problems. When the issues cease to be talked about resentment happens. People go and find people to talk to that are more suited to connect to their puzzle piece. Their concave to your convex. Typically this is where things start to sour. But there’s never that conversation at the beginning where these things are notice. It’s probably because in the beginning compromise is pushed through the machine of intrigue, admiration, and lust. But once those initial feelings and urges dissipate the natural you comes along. So in hindsight you have to ask yourself does the naturalness of you fit with the naturalness of them. This seems to be why so many marriages end in divorce. And personally I believe its would be over 50% if more people had the heart or mind to leave. Many people aren’t divorced for whatever reason but hate their spouse. They don’t naturally mesh and they found out after 2 kids, a house, and a dog. The very interesting thing to me is that most people know but are in denial. You understand that this person’s traits are something you have a hard time handling. BUT time is wasting. You’re tired of being alone. You’re bad ass fuckin kids need a male role model or whatever BS you tell yourself. So you get married. He really can’t stand you but the hoes at the club are paying him less and less mind. His metabolism is slowing…..he’s getting fat. Might as well take what I’ve got and run with it. And then somewhere down the line the shit implode. You forced pieces together that just don’t naturally fit together. You bent that edge to fit your groove but it causes him daily pain. He’d rather talk to a puzzle piece where he can fit painlessly. Love is an interesting thing. It can easily skip the whole compatibility part. You can fall in love with who you’ve forced someone to compromise themselves to be. But the natural them is going to come out after a while. Often times when both sides tend to point at each other and not realize things about themselves it’s because the sides both don’t  how the way they naturally are is wrong. And both side are right in believing in their naturalness. It’s just that they have to come to a place where they realize that both of their rights aren’t right for each other. Give and take can only work when both sides have an understanding and aren’t losing who they naturally are. Should I compromise by cutting off the edge of my puzzle piece to fit next to yours? Why would you even want to make someone do that? Love can be selfish. It’s just easy to avoid these things when take into account personality traits in the beginning.

Stop forcing shit. You  know when you’re doing it. I can be hard to disengage especially when love is laid. Time has passed. You’re getting older. Loneliness is looming. But the end down the line is worse.

That’s all I got for you folks.

The Great Whore Debate

I was recently in the shower thinking about the reformation of the modern day hoe.  It’s a very interesting subject matter and even after I got out of the shower I sat for a few minutes pondering…almost to the point where I became ashy. We villanize people so much but never pull that mirror up to ourselves. Think about me and Yeezy’s boo Kim K for a second…now a second longer…now for a few more. But before we get into that lets reflect a bit:

After defining it as a typical garden tool, Urbandictionary.com basically goes on to say that a hoe/whore is a promiscuous woman. Not rocket science. But being the man I am I must dig deeper. Where did this promiscuity have its genesis? Is such disdain and malign warranted? I mean you tend to hear women’s conversations like “Oh, that bitch is a whore…she let some nigga fuck her while she was pregnant! 2^nd to 3^rd trimester girl! Aaaannd it wasn’t even baby boy’s seed!!! She’s definitely a hoe…her son cute tho.”  Or you’ll hear a dude say to his man’s “Old girl a whore…she loose? I heard a couple niggas knocked it down from the hood. I mean I’m still tryna smash. You think she let me hit it? I think she know my baby mom tho my dude…”  And of course that’s some hilarious dialogue but I promise it’s true. For one I know for a fact the second one is true and for two I know that’s just how my girl talks. That pregnancy sex is definitely some whorish activity but like my man once told me “I’m sure I done poked some little nigga in the head.” LMAO anyway back to business…but what is the true definition? Is there a certain criteria? Let’s categorize…I’ll sprinkle some male whorage in there where I see fit too lol…

WHO WOULD YOU BE IF NO ONE TOLD YOU WHO TO BE?

YOU?

I had some thoughts the other day, well I have some thoughts everyday but you know what I mean. I put off writing like I often do, and then today that quirkily sexy girl on Awkward was blogging so I figured I could pass some time by doing the same. While in the shower I started to think about some of the decisions people make, especially the folks I know; I say decisions but I really mean a way of thinking. To me a person’s way of thinking is a decision, whether a chosen or coerced one. Up until a perceived age of account of accountability your thoughts are rarely your own; they’re a formulation of social norms and parental guidance, OR lack thereof in many cases. And even with that social norms are the umbrella because they influence most people’s guidance anyway. Widely this isn’t a bad thing but widely it is. And I know that’s contradictory but there are pros and cons for each. But anyway in that shower I thought to myself a very profound question, like a whole real ass enigma:

WHO WOULD YOU BE IF NO ONE TOLD YOU WHO TO BE?

Free Writing #3: Situations & Viewpoints

The Johari Window

As an adolescent and teenager my dad taught me a lot of things. He’s been working in HR since before I was born so he has always been abreast on the cutting edge managerial tactics and workplace relations. I being his son, and also very curious would pick up books like “Who Moved My Cheese?” and “The Minute Manager”. One day when I was like 12 or 13 we talked about this training technique and concept called The Johari Window. And that’s a funny name and all but it really opened my eyes and I never forgot the concept. Now I’m not a manager or trainer in any business capacity, BUT we as individuals do manage our personal and relationship affairs and situations. And a proper technique could be pivotal in that wide scope. The Johari Window, before I explain it, can be a means to drive an open and perceptive train of thought or action. We often have preconceived notions and thoughts before a situation arises. Like if I know I’m about to argue with someone I may already have figuratively put blinders on. In my mind I know what they’re going to say, why they are going to say it, and how I feel about it before the argument occurs. I used to be this way, especially when it was a reoccurring argument. Shit you’d rather stab yourself than go in on the same subject again. But what’s better, to effectively hash shit out or to keep on ignoring issues and have them fester and build. In my eyes I say handle it. In arguments and fights it’s rare that an actual valuable debate transpires. Words fly and phones get hung up, it’s a real shit show and nothing ever gets accomplished. And for me the key is to look at why. I mean often its past experiences or the way people have seen their parents argue. A lot of time that person knows you well and argues in a style that pushes your buttons. You like to talk, so to spite you they won’t. We’ve all been through all of it. But what I’ve come to realize is that people don’t put themselves in your shoes much. And you hear that saying a lot…conversation might go like this…”YOU A TRIFFLIN MAFUCKA TROY, ALL I ASK YOU DO IS BE CONSIDERATE BUT YOUR BLACK ASS CANT EVEN DO THAT! *hard sigh* I SHOULD HAVE JUST STAYED WITH RAHEEM!” and then oh boy might say, “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPEN TO ME TODAY, SHIT HOW YOU KNOW IF I WAS CONSIDERING YOU OR NOT, PUT YOURSELF IN MY SHOES! AND RAHEEM BITCHASS LOCKED UP FOR STEALING DEODERANT OUTTA CVS DUMMY!” Now that’s a fanciful and comical situation but the whole “in my shoes” things is very intricate and complicated. And this is where the Johari Window comes in. Those shoes that people want you to step in are the window that I’ve been referring to. Imagine all that you know; your whole life. The things you’ve seen, been through, and read about. Over time you’ve taken those things and formulated a viewpoint about everything in life whether good or bad. To have someone step into your shoes is almost impossible because they would have to have your life and views to do so. And this is what I often try to do in arguments or situations. I don’t try and see things as the other person does BUT I do recognize that that person does have a viewpoint that maybe different then mine. Their life has dictated a stance on things that maybe mines has not. And these stances fuel their actions (by the way INACTION IS ACTION). So I don’t want you to so much as put yourself in my shoes, but I do want you to know that I have my own pair. I want you to see that I have experiences and things I hold to be true that you may not, given the journey your life has taken. Don’t step into my shoes because you can’t, but just remember I have a different pair than yours. Anyways but on a smaller scale I also try and consider other factors about what the person knows. And this can get a little tricky and wordy. But I believe that this technique can help save a few arguments and anger that people have with others because they don’t consider certain things from every angle, shit they often feel their angle is the ONLY angle. And I myself have been guilty of this. It is human nature to want to win and have your viewpoint be dominate, but in a perfect relationship with give and take the goal is to come to a unified viewpoint. Whether that viewpoint is mine, yours, or a compromising combination of both. During your next argument try and think about this for a second before jumping right in and tearing your lovers head off. This is supposed to be heuristic, meaning experience-based techniques for problem solving, learning, and discovery. Here goes…

The Johari Window states that there are four areas. And these four areas have knowns and unknowns. And in life this holds true. There’s things we know and things we don’t. The object is to master this concept. We don’t know everything and this is paramount in problem solving in day to day life. Consider the following…

Area 1: In this area we realize that there are things we know and things people know about us. So these things are common knowledge about us. We all know the shit. You may know things about me, John. You know I write, I like the Cowboys, I drive a pick-up truck. Things like that. And in an argument these are generally the things people use. They use what they know of you and the things they believe you know of yourself. Because if we can agree that John is an asshole the battle is halfway won, BUT the issues generally come in to play when you don’t agree about things that we both think we know. I may feel like you’re inconsiderate. That’s my truth about you. But you don’t know yourself to be that so we clash. And it doesn’t have to be that deep. In a situation there can be information that is known. We both know I went to work today. Simple knowns. Area 1 is the easiest.

Area 2: This area is very interesting. This is what people know or know of us that we ourselves don’t see or know. In all actuality John may be an asshole but he doesn’t see it. And this can easily cause an argument. And on a smaller rudimentary level, you may know something that happened throughout the day that I don’t know. You may be privy to things that I haven’t seen. And in the scope of a situation you can’t be mad at me because you have things that you know that I don’t. I may start an argument with you over something and you may get mad at me for starting the argument. But in reality you know something I don’t, and if given that information my outlook may have changed. I tend not to get mad at people for things I know they don’t know or understand because I have the advantage of knowing more of the situation than they do. That’s why it’s vital to have everything on the table. This area is called the blindspot. Because like when driving I can see all areas while facing forward but there’s a spot that I can’t see, that others on the road in different places can. Often people judge because they know things that we may not know, which is unfair. You wouldn’t get mad at a child for something that they just don’t know. This is why is important to take a step back and consider these areas before getting angry or making a decision.

Area 3: The third area is the most mystical place so it doesn’t deem much definition. But this is the subconscious place. These are the things that we don’t know, nor do others. As odd as it may sound, there are things we don’t know about ourselves and neither does anyone. And you know this area is real because you learn things about yourself over time that you previously didn’t know. It’s the path of self-discovery. And on a concrete level there are things that no one knows or understands truly but God, the mysteries of the world.

Area 4: This last area is our private area (retrieve your mind from the gutter). These are the things we hold and keep to ourselves. These are the things that no one knows, the shit that only we know. And we have to be careful in relationships because we will often think that people know things about us or have come into knowledge of our ways, but they actually haven’t. We sometimes can set expectations and standards that people aren’t even aware that we’ve set for them. There was a time when I placed a female on a pedestal and she never knew. And when she fell from that level I treated her worse than I should of. I kept my heightened standards and thoughts of her concealed and when she toppled over she didn’t know it. But adversely there are things we need to keep hidden from people. The ways of the world are tricky, and people will take your most intimate feelings and nuisances and turn them against you. The trick is to be able to differentiate what should stay in Area 4 and what should be moved to Area 1 depending on the level you are with the person.

So with that being said and those areas being defined, the key to me is to be able to think of those things in situations before reacting. Before jumping down your boss’s throat, or your significant other, or even people you see randomly, you have to realize that each person is in a different area of the Johari window. And given the area your response and strategy on how to deal with them should change. You may have to sit back and think well maybe they know something I don’t so I should chill. Or maybe I know something they don’t so I shouldn’t hold them accountable as much because their blind to what may have been going on with me. It’s very important at times to step back from emotion and realize that the angle at which you see something isn’t the only angle. I could be looking at something next to you, or opposite of you, or you could not be looking at all. Noticing and thinking over these viewpoints can make or break a situation. The Johari Window is a tool I use just to step back and manage my thought process before acting in a situation. It can be very helpful, and in the long run could improve the relations between you and others.

The old Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, said this to sum it up:

“There are known knowns; there are things we know we know.We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know.But there are also unknown unknowns – there are things we do not know we don’t know.”

Free Writing #2: Who’s More Emotional?

I got a few thoughts…

I saw tweets about men and their emotions and if they have any at all. So in accordance with that I said, “If fear is an emotion then men are more emotional than women.” And I won’t give away all the secrets, but I give me fair share of attention to the females, and because I write from experience most of my thoughts circle around females. So hear goes a few sound bites about men. Wikipedia says fear is a universal emotion, and since I have wiki trust I’ll agree. Women tend to be emotional and we know this. It’s just the way of the world, whether being derived from nature or nurture. MEN ARE THE SAME. It’s the nurture part of us that tends to fashion the way that we deal with emotion, or not deal with it in many cases. BUT with that said, we have them. The same ones. And I dare say more with the aforementioned things about fear. As men grow up we are generally taught to not have a lot of emotion, and this may be different today but in my youth and the generations before it seems as such. Boys don’t cry, it’s weak. We don’t show emotion, it’s a flaw. And this is all very archaic teaching and rearing, but to me it hasn’t proved helpful. And it’s also proven to be a detriment that never gets reversed or takes years and hassle to change. And I’ve writer about this. But in the argument about who’s more emotional I think men are. Now let me tell you why…

I’ll say this one more time… “If fear is an emotion then men are more emotional than women.” Keeping abreast that fear is an emotion I’d say men are more emotional. We have the same feelings and probably to the same degree. But in our case we front on them or hide them and it’s done out of fear. Fear of how we will be perceived by our significant other. Fear of how our niggas will laugh and get on us (when in fact they’re just as “emotional”). Fear of emotion itself. Debilitating fear. Fear to the point that some would rather lose a good woman than to admit that they, in fact, have an emotion. Or a situation has caused them to have one. And emotion doesn’t mean I’m in the corner weeping or bitching. Just that I feel some type of way towards something or a situation. But men tend to hide this, which is a horrible character flaw. So given that we have these same emotions, but fear the repercussions of bearing them or showing them die to the outside world, I venture to say we may be doubly emotional. You already have the initial emotion and then you add the emotion of fear of the emotion, and then that’s 2x the emotion. Now double may be a little high but, fear being an emotion adds to your natural emotion. So with that being said we as men seem to be worse off. Just thought i’d clear that up. I’m sure niggas will refute it and the ladies will love it. In my relationship I say how I feel, I could give a fuck how I look. And I’m sure I may be looked at negatively at times. But I’d rather have my shit on the table than to hold it in and be angry. That gets us both nowhere. She’s in the dark on how I feel and I’m internally fucked up for holding it in. Now let me say this…you don’t have to bear all to every woman or man. Some aren’t deserving, but the good ones will honor and cherish your truths. And in that you’ll be able to build a bond and have emotional real estate. Emotional real estate meaning an area built by you and that person which hold weight. And that real estate can stand up against issues and other outside people when that opposition arises. So men we might have the emotional thing based off of fear. And ladies y’all be emotional just cause so y’all asses still on the hook. Love & learn people.

Once again I wrote this purely off the top of my head on the iPhone notepad so I call this a free writing. No dictionary, proof reading, or editing. Love y’all.

Free Writing #1

I haven’t said much in a long time so I’m just going to free write a bit. I’ve read some things and seen something’s and I’m just going to spew my thoughts onto this computer screen. Here goes…

 Relationships are very much like a business. And that sounds a bit shroud but follow me. There’s supply and demand, and to maintain a good business both entities need to receive their fair share of both to maintain prosperity. In relationship terms both people have needs and in order for the relationship to flourish a cyclical amount of give and take has to be exchanged. I’m putting in and receiving. I’m the type of person that in order to make a relationship work and keep the productivity of happiness high I often take my significant others needs into account. I believe that that’s key to meeting a person’s needs. If I can say that I took your needs into account and tailor made my behaviors and inclinations towards you I feel like I’m being a productive piece in the relationship. I know when you get off work that you like to vent about the day’s events so I make myself available for such sessions. And when I can’t I’m at least in contact with you because I know I can’t be as available so I give you something. I believe this is the biggest piece of a relationship. Learning your partner and taking that knowledge into account when doing things. For me it’s the difference in being content and being happy. I can very easily be just “ok” with someone. But for me being just ok means that there are holes. And happiness has no holes. This is where other people tend to slide in and become supplemental in filing those holes. And that’s not an excuse to cheat but I believe it’s very much a reason that people do. Especially when there’s a need that can easily be met but is refused. If I’m for you I’ll do anything for you as long as it isn’t impeding on my health or my child. But its troubling when a person has the ability to make you happy and knows what makes you happy but won’t. Not that they’re treating you like shit or you’re unhappy, but there’s just levels that aren’t being reached due to little things not being present. I often wonder whether people don’t want to or just can’t. Some things are just beyond the realm of possibility for some people. Sometimes things just don’t occur to you. You hear people say that sometime. “Well that never occured to me.” And it may sound like a cop out. Even knowing something or having someone tell you you to handle be a certain way or handle things a certain way, sometimes at the point of action, at that point where its time to be naturally you or to compromise, those words you don’t occur. The words don’t come out. The innate you does. And in that way your personality takes over, and within that compatbilty sphere is the difference between met needs or unmet needs.  I’ve had times in my life where people wanted things from me in terms of a relationship that I just could not give them. I even wanted to give it to them, but it was beyond. Beyond my personality. I didn’t have what it took. Even though I knew there was an invisible barrier that separated he wants and me stretching my hands out and giving them to her. There were things that I should have said, things I should have did, compromises I should have made that my personality just couldn’t allow me to say, do, or change. And that’s why I believe that compatibility is a very valid piece of the relationship puzzle because often times it’s the difference between you getting what you want. You want emotion in a certain way from someone that just isn’t predisposed to giving it that way. Not that they don’t have it for you at the level you want it BUT they just can’t provide it in the ways that you want. And that’s the difference. We jam round pegs into square holes all the time. And just imagine how that makes the hole and the peg feel. Of course there’s resistance and pain. Some of us have been round pegs in square holes for so long we don’t even recognize a round hole when we see one. And it’s not always as harsh as that. Sometimes it’s a triangle and a square. It’s just that one less extra angle that fucks it all up. That one missing piece that ruins it. And you’ll act like you don’t care about that piece but that the part that ties it all together. THAT’S the difference between contentment and pure happiness. I think that’s why the divorce rate is so high. People will marry mafuckas that they are just “ok” with. People that they can stand and can stomach being around.  Fitting and matching is very much a pivotal part. It’s the difference between contentment and happiness…between anniversaries and breakups…between long term and short lived.

No proofread. No paragraphs. Just thoughts on a page. That’s all I got.

The Hiding

Once upon a time I had the opportunity to work at a school; this didn’t end too well. To make a long story short: I screwed a co-worker, she went crazy, and we both got fired. But in retrospect it was a very beneficial learning experience (NOT the co-worker porking, the job). I worked in a Kindergarten class room and a part of their curriculum was identifying feelings and learning how to handle them. And this was any feeling because the proper handling of good feelings is also an asset. I believe that the school and educational powers that be chose to incorporate this because the identification of feelings and how to manage them is paramount to the social experience. Once we had a training that boldly stated that education on feelings, and honestly identifying them is more vital than math, science, literature and social studies.

Better Math

Happy New Year and all that jazz. This will be my first piece of the New Year. Congrats to all those that made it to 2012. Apparently the world is going to end in December so make these days count if you weren’t already. Keep it moving; don’t let things or people hold you back. Start the year strong and finish the same way. Keep the road ahead of you and everything else in the rearview. And don’t look in that rearview so often that it slows you down or causes you to crash on the road to the future. But I’ll get more into the dos and don’ts of 2012 on another post. Anywho one thing about me, if you didn’t already know, is that I love movies (I gotta give you a back story as usual…bear with me). One of my earliest memories is me and my mother in the movies. I’ve seen hundreds of movies over the years and plan on seeing more. The one thing about the New Year that’s always exciting for me in the Oscar race and its younger brother, the Golden Globes. I often make it a priority to see all the movies that are nominated, legally or egregiously otherwise. I had the opportunity to see the movie Best Picture nominee Moneyball last night. Check it out, Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill star in it. It’s a very interesting film about statistics in baseball and how to choose categorically talented players rather than flash and popularity. And while watching the first couple of minutes I was able to make parallels between baseball statistics and relationships. I was thinking about it in the shower (where I often think about things) and then I took to twitter to puts some of my thoughts regarding it down on paper. I dared to say these things:

“It’s crazy how much math has to do with things and if we put math into decisions we made about relationships how shit would change.”

 

“Just simple probabilities on characteristics of our mates based on their past experiences and ours and taking into account future situations”

 

“There’s probably a math equation for the highest probability of happiness or at least contentment or minimization of getting hurt. *shrugs*”

Of course like anything I say that is a little bit radical or abstract I was met by friendly opposition. At least this time it was from someone whose opinion I find poignant. Imani, the star of “Mani’s Many Hairdo Woos and Woes”, politely refuted saying, “Not everything is solved with mathematics Missa John… Especially mate compatibility and love…” And I could see why people may feel this way. First off, it’s unattractive and unromantic. Who wants to say they found happiness because they plugged a few numbers into a calculator and ran some equations on some scratch paper? Of course no one, but I dare say many of us not knowingly do this every day…or at least sure as shit should. Because in the long run it could be far more beneficial than a fantastical story about how you met that special someone whom years down the line became just “that nigga I dated”. Now I need you to follow me here, I know many of us hated math in our school days and some of us still do, shit we can’t even figure out the 18%* tip without and app. But I’m just going to throw some abstract thoughts out there and go from there. ..

                Supposedly Capricorns (Happy birthday to me, I just turned 25 on January 8^th, Lord bless and keep me) are very rational and concrete and that’s what numbers are. So throughout my life I’ve tended to look at things in a point value system. When I was a teenager my question was often “How was the sex from 1 to 10?” Shit what’s more concrete then that. I mean words can be so vague and off-putting, but the number 8 means close to ten so pretty damn good but could use some tweakage. Or I’d ask “How much do you like me?” “How much do you miss me?” and the answer had to be in number form. Truth be told I still do this a bit. I’m just very precise about things. I hate to assume; you can’t put faith in assumptions. Faith in assumptions lead to real life letdowns. So when I have a question I ask it. When I feel a certain way I say it. And because I’m a thinker I generally think and fell a lot which leads to various questions….and various headaches. But anyway men and women lie but numbers don’t so I like to employ the use of numeric values to things. Like Moe and Josh said on Mo’ Better Blues, “Numbers never lie, people start lying as soon as they come out of the womb.”

                So now to the numbers. I started talking about your partner’s experiences and characteristics, which are a recipe for the part in happiness that they are responsible for. You take a person’s characteristics and their personality and that makes up who they are, in turn you match that with yours and you’re able to gauge compatibility, with a fair amount of accuracy. Nothing is 100% when dealing with people because our minds and feelings twist but with that in mind you can weigh probability. For instance let’s say little ol’ me by the grace of God meets a nice young lady…buxom young lady too! And after the initial “game spitting” (which I suck at) and woo-ery I’m able to mentally or physically for that matter create a profile on her. I say physically like writing things down. That’s often my problem, I don’t write things down. With all the thoughts in my head it becomes hard for me to sift through them so writing things down can be very advantageous. Janet Jackson told Tasha Smith to do this in Why Did I Get Married?. Any damn way let’s say I create this list or profile on her from the things that I know about her (things she’s said and things I’ve realized) and I begin to make decisions based it, not because I’m some type of sick psycho with files on hoes, but because it’s a concise portrait of who she is, and with that I can surmise how are relationship will go based on our compatibility. She has various characteristics some good and some bad. Each characteristic I personally would have a target I’d like her to meet/not meet because these are the things that would make me the happiest. If I’m looking for a very affectionate girl I would have my target number high on my scale. Given her proclivities I’d give her a number on that scale in accordance with her personality trait. If she’s somewhat affectionate I’d give her a 6 and pit that against my target number that may be and 8 or 9 depending on my likes. This shit isn’t rocket science but you’d be surprised how different our lives would be if we sat and took into account things like a statistician or accountant crunching numbers. After all the categories are tallied there’d be an ideal number that you’d like this person to meet. And you would also see the things that aren’t ideal but that you would able to compromisingly handle. Maybe she’s not super affectionate but that’s ok because you also have your moments as well so. We all have our areas where compromising isn’t going to happen. I think mine is accountability and conversation. I can’t stand a shitty conversation or someone who says they’ll do something and doesn’t, so these are areas I wouldn’t allow to bend. A lot of people won’t bend on physical things like looks and height and other bullshit, and this is why they’re always searching. Don’t get me wrong if you’re shallow and can only stand to be with a drop dead gorgeous mafucka by all means search. You know you. It’s far better to remain shallow then to hurt someone else because you can’t handle their face or body type. As cold hearted and callus as this may seem at the end of the day there’s human hearts and feelings at stake. I’ve been in many positions with a female that if I had thought thoroughly through their characteristics, matched them with what I could handle, and made an educated decision based on those figures, I wouldn’t have been in. I would have saved myself hurt and anger. It’s all numbers. Your characteristics all add up to me being happy with you so why not put a number next to it? A lot of times we do this in our heads which isn’t always the greatest idea. We go over a person and then for various reasons begin to make exceptions and changes due to our current wants rather than needs. I may feel like I need a super honest girl. I want her honesty number to at least be a 9, hers is at a 6. But because her looks are at a 9 we feel like we can ignore the deficiency in the honesty department, when deep down we know that something we can’t compromise. Well let me say shouldn’t compromise. But I’ll get into that later.

Another key part of the equations is a person’s experience. Very very very important because it can shape their needs and also shine a light on future occurrences. Things like how many relationships, how many sex partners, how they reacted to things in the past, the things that have hurt them, what they’ve allowed to shape their current condition, how their past plays into their present and future. These are all very pivotal pieces to relationship puzzle. People say leave the past in the past all the time, and I tend to agree UNLESS its plays a part in the cultivation of your present and future. If a girl can screw 111 people and you, Mr. 112, causes her to have an epiphany and stop getting mowed down by all these niggas, by all means go ahead make it happen. But if her track record (experiences) has molded her into a slore it’s a pretty dismal chance that she’s going to change for you. Lmao that’s a pretty extreme case…let’s look at from a better angle. You meet a girl and you’re her first or second real relationship. Now this is something a lot of people may think about. This in turn means they’re learning on the fly or only have one person to go off of when it comes to relationship issues and problems. It’s like job experience at a job, ideally you want someone with enough experience to be a good worker, but no so much that its evident that they’ve been a bad worker have attachment issues. The going off one person thing isn’t always a bad thing. Things could go smoothly as planned….or not. You learn a lot in relationships. More than you really realize. You learn how to really share, how to be selfless, how to console, how to love, how to argue, how to really listen, how to compromise, how to ignore, how to keep quiet, when to speak up…and that’s just when you’re in them. Once that mafucka breaks down you learn how to heal, how to move on, how to go from 2 as 1 to just being one and a host of other shit. So to think of a person who hasn’t truly learned these things or has minimal experience doing so can be daunting. And its not that the experience or lack thereof is a problem, because we are who we are and we’ve been through what we’ve been through. The true issue is within ourselves and what we’re able to handle, our level of patience, our ability to empathize or sympathize. We all have good things and bad things about us and we all have our experiences, the dilemmas generally arise when YOU aren’t unable to handle those things, which is not your fault either. Some people just don’t gel. Every key doesn’t fit in every lock, and the ones that do don’t necessarily have to open the door. But to sit back and mathematically or otherwise think about these things is to take a proactive step in the direction towards your ultimate happiness.

As I said before many of us do this in a more haphazardly and flippant way. You may think, “Well Nate loves me, he pay the bills, the sex is good, and that nigga look hella fine! But then again he don’t ever listen to me or wanna do what I ask him to. He always lying bout something. He funny doe, but he so ignorant sometimes and always disrespecting me with these other girl, BUT he did say he love me and if I left him I’d be all lonely so fuck it I’ma stay with his black ass. It’ll get better, you can’t have it all!” OR a nigga will say (and a nigga will lie to himself about himself and you!): “Shit Esha get on my nerves, she always naggin’ me and got some nigga in her mentions on Twitter. My nigga told me how she was but the pussy is so good. But then again she so damn dumb and stubborn, can’t tell her shit for real. And she always running around in the streets and shit. I mean I like going out but her ass don’t ever sit and focus. But she so damn bad, and her ass so fat, plus she do cook and loan a nigga a couple dollas when I’m down. Fuck it, I can deal with it, ima marry her fine ass and she’ll chill out!” Boooooooy will we lie to ourselves about some shit wont we? We get fed up and take these militant fronts and say that’s enough I’m out! But then 90% of the time the next thought is you changing your mind. The word “BUT” hits the sentence and negates everything before it. The saddest part is we generally know the truth and then create a lie to refute it. And it isn’t always about leaving someone cause many times you saw the shit coming, like Nas said it ain’t hard to tell. Gloria Gaynor sang about the lonely and naïve in the 70s, shit aint change. And loneliness or loneliness as a consequence will make you accept things that you flat out know are wrong…or even worse deny that they are there. To me it’s so horrible for a person to fake happiness and accept things they never would just to ward off feelings of loneliness. It’s one thing to be naïve and not know, but a lot of you know and lie to yourselves. AS MUCH AS YOU HATE BEING LIED TO WHY WOULD YOU LIE TO YOURSELF? We turn a blind eye to what we can’t handle, look away from the things we need that aren’t there, and create excuses when confronted with them. I feel that it’s far less nefarious to sit down and look at a person as just a number and then weigh that number against the level of happiness we want in our lives. It’s more heartless to hurt ourselves long term than to itemize a list of things you need and make sure that person can be who and what you need. Cause it’s like a fuckin .003% chance that they’ll change and be who you want them to be. Think about the greatest love you ever had, then think about what made you love them, then think of when it turned sour, and then think about what made you hate them, after that think about what attributes created that hate…then think about what you knew about that person during the beginning stages and then think about what you needed, now put those things together and tell me you couldn’t have saved yourself some heartache if you looked at it numerically rather than with a shit load of emotion. At the end of the day all you can do is worry about your happiness. If it’s taking so much happiness out of you to make some else happy then it’s obviously not where you need to be. It’s cool to be selfless TO AN EXTENT. Many of us give to make others happy until we can’t even be happy with the happiness we’ve given them.

At the end of the day it’s like the hiring process at a job. The job can’t largely bend its qualifications to hire you to the point where you ultimately make their business suffer. Like a job application…they ask you who you are, where you live, what you like, and about the places you’ve worked before. Then they ask you a series of questions (that long ass quiz that people hate doing) or interview you to find out who you REALLY are. They tally your answers and give you a grade based on the things they’re looking for and then take your experience. Then they take into account your qualifications. So why shouldn’t we do this for the person that we are giving the ultimate job of making us happy? Sometimes you have to take the emotion out of things and look at things for what they are. Sunglasses may block the sun but if kept on at night they’ll render you blind. Sometimes our emotions can do that. When things are good it masks the bad, and when things are bad they blind us and make the darkness darker. At times its beneficial to just get out a sheet of paper and start giving things numbers and at the end of the day see if the shit adds up. And we need to stop bending and making what we NEED so elastic. Be honest with yourself. Figure out what you NEED and what you can handle. Then figure out what you want and don’t let your fear transform your truths into lies. And I’m not going to lie, I’VE NEVER DONE THIS. I think I’ve always been the person to create that “well I can handle this” or that “I’m not even looking for anything” falsity. But you have to come to grips with these melancholy truths we sweep under the rug or throw in the backs of our heads. Be honest. You heard Beyonce 1+1+2 and its been that way forever. If you NEED a 3 then don’t try and make that equation make sense. Do what you have to do and go get what you need. It’s all math, better math.